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I was invited to go to my sisters today and I told them that I wasn't going to go. When asked why? I simply said I have the choice not to go somewhere that people don't respect me.



I shouldn't have to put myself in a situation where I am insulted by people who have no respect for the choice I make in my life and make it seem that all their problems are caused by me when I have no control over their actions especially when I have not been around them in months other then at family gatherings.



Since I posted my journal entry about my niece I feel so much better about things.

But that is what I use this journal for...at least this section. To get things off of my chest, to push out the crap that is making me feel horrible. I don't care if someone else reads it...if I did I would mark it private.



The way I see it is a journal is a place to record thoughts and feelings and whatever else strikes a person's fancy. This journal is here for me to rant as I want. If you don't want to hear me bitch and complain don't read it.

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jaggedxtears
16:41 Aug 28 2010

Isn't it strange how the people who love us are the ones who criticize us the most? I know they care but sometimes it seems so awful.

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I've decided that my niece isn't worth the time to be mad at anymore. I am done with her.



She is my family but that is as far as I am going to take it...I love her but I really don't like her

I am so pissed...and because I am playing the good guy here and can't say it in real life without causing a real issue in my household...



I am not a moocher...I pull my weight where I need to and where I am asked to.

I am tired of trying to be nice. I am tired of being told that I don't do anything because I do.

If I wanted to do something different I would. I actually like taking care of the kids...and knowing that I am helping out my family.

If you have a problem with me and how I act then take it up with me. And maybe at the same time you should take a look at yourself and think about your own actions.



Family is here to help you not for you to be fucking ungrateful to and think that what we give you you should get just because. I am sick of people using the excuse you are 18 so you don't understand how to be grateful for things. Or that you don't know how to express it. FUCK THAT. You play all of us against one another. You are the one who is woe me and woe this. DO something about it if you don't like your life. Stand up for yourself and face your problems instead of running away. You know right from wrong...you know how to manipulate things to go your way so don't tell me it is because you are a teen you act the way you do. Because you act how the situation calls you to act.



And get this it isn't all about you. Your dad gave you that car. And before it was given to you it was his and he had every right to take off the tires to replace the tires on the vehicle your family needs to get around. YOUR FAMILY NEEDED it and you were there and knew about it...so cry all you want that you have to buy a new one...you knew that months ago. Just because now you have your DL and can drive it you conveniently forget.



Oh but wait you hate your mother...but only when it suits you too, otherwise you are playing her against us.



It's life lessons and if you don't want to learn them then you are going to be one sad pathetic person. Or take the advice from someone who has then fuck you. It's your loss.



If you want to be treated like an adult then I will treat you like one...and I won't hold back anymore.



So bring it on bitch. You want to say it is my fault? The blame cannot all be mine if you have a problem with me but won't come to me to talk.



Afraid that I will point out some facts about yourself that you don't like?



FUCK YOU. If you weren't my niece we would have this out...

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Risque
03:36 Aug 25 2010

Syn she is 1 FB and if she wants to be treated like a adult do so might do some good



but if it gets to the point to a real good brawl advice is go for it but not at home someplace where your parents and hers are not around ;)

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I am tired of ungrateful people. I know occasionally I am one of them but I really want to strangle my niece



She is 18 today and we have been planning her party for a while because all year she has said she wanted one. Until yesterday. I swear to god I am going to smack her one of these days.



The food we were planning wasn't right, the time of the party...the whatever.



She asked for hamburgers and hot dogs yesterday after her mom spent $$$ on buying food. I looked at her and was like...you've had all week to say what you wanted and now after your mom buys the stuff to make your favorites you say something? Besides we are having a BBQ after the wedding receptions Sunday.



She just turns into this bitch grump. I am so glad she is 18 now because I don't have to be nice aunt anymore. IF she wants to be a grown up like she so claims I will treat her like one

How could I forget how you were there for me?

Every time I needed you or a shoulder to cry on...I chose you.



Except when I need you most I turned away. Blinded by the pain I was feeling, I didn't reach out this time. Shame on me.



The fog is gone now and now that I am no longer confused...in just minutes you have already managed to light the way.

It's been a rough night...day even



Good news turns to bad so quickly sometimes.



My heart and prayers go out to my brother and sis-in-law to get them through the next few days and their loss and that hopefully that they won't have to wait long to try again.



~Also spent a couple of hours in the hospital with my sister tonight who while driving got stung by a bee...within minutes she had a reaction and we had to go to the ER. Never had a reaction before but this was bad

Not that anyone here really cares cause I really just write this thing for me and if someone reads it then oh well.



Woot I've lost 5lbs so far :)



65 more to go!

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TheArtistRose
16:43 Aug 20 2010

Awesome! *reads your journal* I might have to read more often because you said that.

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captainglobehead
16:46 Aug 20 2010

That's great! Your first milestone. What's your system: diet, exercise or both?

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DarkSinAngel
17:08 Aug 20 2010

Eating the same things but in smaller portions, and right now I am just walking cause I am so out of shape.

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Zilaheteb
05:33 Aug 21 2010

Nice job!!

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I hate being confused. I hate being on this yo-yo sometimes...sometimes I just could throw my hands up and be done with it...but then again I would miss it in my life

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Zilaheteb
06:39 Aug 20 2010

The option is always there, though not always easy to make the choice.

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DarkSinAngel
16:21 Aug 20 2010

And I've made some pretty stupid choices...



One really big one too

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Zilaheteb
05:35 Aug 21 2010

As long as you learn from them they are worth making to some extent. I'm sure you didn't completely realize they were stupid until said and done...it's how we learn. You arent talking about working for me are you ; P

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DarkSinAngel
05:40 Aug 21 2010

Hell no...working for you was one of the best things in my life...



Letting myself drift from you was the worst



I'm a silly stupid girl sometimes.

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I have to say one of the things I enjoy about 2 of the kids I watch...their mom brings me coffee a few times a week.



*sighs in pleasure* It's a good day when she does

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DragonReborn
16:40 Aug 19 2010

coffee coffee coffee...lol..yeah i feel that way about my soda..like is good and everyone lives as long as i have that...lol

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So some good news, my brother and sister-in-law are expecting. She took the test yesterday morning...the one with the lines. My brother didn't believe her so he made her go and buy the test that says pregnant/not pregnant. Haha



Of course they have only been married for 13 days now so I have to say it's good timing.

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DragonReborn
01:14 Aug 18 2010

i would like to say Congrats to them on their upcoming addition.very happy for your family hun.

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One Fine Day

In the middle of the night

Two dead men got up to fight

Back to back they faced each other

Drew their swords and shot one another

If you don't believe my tale is true

Ask the blind man he saw it too.

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DragonReborn
01:16 Aug 18 2010

omfg it has been ages since i have heard that

no matter how many times i read that it is just as funny...lmao

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The last couple of days I have had a chance to sit and think. Take a few breaths and realize that I have not been as true to myself as I should have been. As much as I have told myself I would be.



I am going to be doing a lot more changing here in the future. I need to find my path again and get back to who I want to be. I am ashamed of myself for so many reasons. Reasons that only a few would know...I have let many friends slip through my fingers and I don't know if they will even have me back.



It is something I will have to live with...and figure out what I really do want.



Hopefully from here on out I can do what I need to do to get myself back on a path I can respect.

Home again. I really didn't want to come back though. Was really enjoying the being outdoors and the long walks through the trails and on the beach.



Wonder how long it is going to be until I want to pull my hair out.



Made a few choices though about things...so will just go with the flow for now until I can make the changes...both in self and in what I need to do.

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Risque
22:38 Aug 13 2010

good luck with your choices here if you need to vent sound board or chat about everything anything under the stars n moon

glad had a great time on the camping trip

hope can forget about turning yourself bald for a month or two

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DarkSinAngel
22:43 Aug 13 2010

I'm not bald but I did mess up my hair color last night...Need to get it fixed

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Cookies are baked...my clothes are packed...the tent pieces are all there...(I've learned the hard way to always double check)



Have to just wait for everyone else to be ready now...God I hate waiting. I just want to go and be away.

5 days of camping, sandy/rocky cold beach, s'mores, and the beauty of being able to find some time to myself. Oh and lots of books to read.



I am so looking forward to it all. The weather is supposed to be decent but I am not holding my breath. The weather here in Oregon is so unpredictable that I doubt it will remain a good forecast.



I should be packing but it can wait a bit. I still need to bake cookies too but I'll get everything done eventually.

I woke up with Buzz in my face...and my nephew asking to watch Boots and Uzz..





at least it isn't Alvin and the Chipmunks :)

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Fizbop
03:57 Aug 06 2010

Least you didn't wake up with a woody in your crouch. Talk about ackward.

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I spent more money on myself yesterday then I have in months. It's kinda funny though. A year and a half ago I wouldn't have thought spending $40 in one day on myself extravagant. I did it probably every day. Now I am like if I spend this what won't I be able to get this month that I might need?



I do that a lot. Pick up something to buy it while in the store but in while walking around the store I end up putting it back convincing myself it is something I really don't need just really really want. I hate that I scrimp and save to get something now but it also makes it that much more special.



Also went to the town parade yesterday with my nephews and my sister. I have to say one thing I do enjoy about small community parades is that what is in them is what matters to the community.



But it hasn't changed much from when I was a little kid. Or maybe I just remember it being a lot more exciting then it was...but the kids got lots of candy and enjoyed themselves so that is what really matters.